...Mom...

Things here have progressively gotten worse. There's just no pleasing her. None. No amount of anything we do to help so much as is acknowledged, other than for her to start accusing us of being thieves when she misplaces stuff. Or gets too drunk she doesn't remember using it all. Of course there's no way she would admit she was drinking let alone drunk. She's an alcoholic plain and simple. Just like her mother. And like her mother, chances are she will too die a very lonely old woman.

I don't understand a persons desire and need to be miserable all the time. None. It's pointless to be so unhappy 24/7. Well, especially around me, I probably should clarify. I don't due pity parties. And truly that's basically all it is.

It's a very odd feeling when your own mother is more immature than your 9 year old. Throws little hissy fits, stomping around and slamming doors to gain the centre of attention. And when that doesn't work, the silent cold shoulder treatment. That's where we are now. Whatever.

Sad to say, but I am beyond caring.  I hate drama and this is exactly what it is. And since it has been made personal, that doesn't makes me involved, which does not make for a happy me.

Being here has began to cause alot of health issues too. Migraines are getting more and more frequent. My muscles and bones actually hurt from the strength it takes to keep calm. I have blisters coming up from all the excess acid my body is producing. The kids are getting more and more head aches. Loss of appetites. Not being able to get decent sleep. Poor things :'( as their mom it is truly heartbreaking to see this happening. Especially by their grandmother.

I have had to do some serious soul searching and question asking lately. The conclusions I have come to?...

1) Though it breaks my heart, saving this house is not worth risking my kids happiness for. This is no longer my dad's or grandparents home. She has forever ruined that. There is so much negativity here that it smothers any of the good.  I used to love this house. Wanting desperately to save it and keep it in the family. Now? I want more than anything to leave. There's nothing left for us here.

2)Mom will have to find someone else to "help" her. We can't.  We can't be the ones to see her into her golden years. Financially there isn't an issue. We could take over every bill she has and come out ahead. It's the emotional,mental, and physical drain I can't do. I am to old with kids of my own to worry about.  Her financial and physical states really are not my concern. I have mine to worry about, plain and simple. And they will always come first regardless.

3) I just plain ass don't like her. And truth be it told,  I am not so sure I can honestly say I love her. If anything the emotion that comes through to the fore front when I think of her is a very deep seeded resentment. She is a hateful, spiteful, self serving, self centred, bitter, hypocrit. Truly a pitiful excuse. She is everything I despise in a person and the more I think about it the more I realize, she has always been this way. She hasn't changed one iota in all my 40 years. So there's no chance she is likely to change now.