Always remember...

Live it...

 Watch "Sixx:AM - Lies of the Beautiful People" on YouTube 

Thought for the day...

Think positive! Negative focus and thinking takes all your energy away. Try to focus on the positive things in your life – we all have something to be grateful for. Sit down and think about how you want your life to be – make some goals. It may be a trip, going to the hairdresser, taking massage or anything that you really like but you feel you can’t do because you have too much work to do.

Learn to say no. Put yourself first – if you are too tired to take care of yourself how can you manage to take care of others?

Straight up...

For my Tina :)

<3 <3 <3

...Soooo true...

My body...

When I get stressed my body produces a serious excess of acid. I mean serious. And it works its way out if my body through "fever blisters" in the mucus membranes. Such as my nose and mouth. My urine also is loaded so of course I basically end up with acid burns and galds in my nether regions. Not fun let me tell you, but it's always been like this. Thing is I haven't had to deal with such a severe case as I have had to.

My point to this lol since we have been out of the situation of my mom's, my body is on the mend. Very happy about that. Also in a weird way, I guess, it is a physical  affirmation that my nerves are returning to normal. To be able to physically know, ya know? 

Centreing myself

Going to start bringing some peace and tranquility into my life. Much needed. Much desired. Not foolish enough to think it is going to happen over night, but I am willing to work in it.

...Meditation...

I actually used to do this on a regular basis. Never quite got it down to the whole visualization, but the 15-30 minute "ahh"...time itsself was beneficial.  I need to find that peacefulness again. I think I just may be able to do it. I have the perfect place outside to do it. It just seems mystical. Nothing really special about the spot other than I seem to be having a certain draw to it. Whenever I walk by the window my eyes automatically go to it. Makes me happy to just space off looking at it for a few.

...Fruit, Veggies, and Herbs...

Going to be setting up some gardens. Not wanting anything major, but I have kinda went nuts seed shopping lol It just makes sense to me. The family loves fresh fruits and veggies, but they are so expensive to buy often. Same with the herbs. Derek loves to use them in everything,  but it's hard to find a good mixed seasoning that doesn't seem to be loaded down with salt. Me personally, I am not a big salt fan. And if you want to get the good dried herbs, you are looking at a good $3-$5 a piece for them.

Drives me nuts how people take what nature has willingly and freely given to us and put a price tag on it. When in all actuality all's you are buying is their damned names!!! Grr!!! No more. It's ridiculous to say the least.

I plan on having enough to be able to share with my sisters (Stina and my Tina) and their families. There's absolutely no point in them having to buy the stuff, we will have plenty. Times are tough and every little bit can help, I know. I want to be able to share with them. Helping them be able to save some money,  that none of us really seem to have much of these days.

Wildflowers

Picked fresh on the land :)

Very cool idea

I actually think I am going to try this with the next couple 2 liters we get :)

Peace at last!!!

Almost completely moved. Derek and Kyle decided to take a break today away from the evil witch. There's not much left over there. A couple desks, our bed (we have the air mattress right now) and one or two boxes. Not sure what is in the boxes, but the other stuff can be eventually replaced if she decides to be a bitch and not let them finish getting it.

Such a relief to be away from there. Last night...just being able to kick back and relax without all the stress was amazing!!! The kids fell asleep almost as soon as their heads touched down. I dunno if because they had busted ass helping move or if the lack of stress was that overwhelming. Probably a little of both. I know it was for me.

I didn't help with the moving. I left yesterday as soon as we knew we had the house and haven't been back. I figured it would go alot smoother without me there. And it did. She didn't say a word to them as they loaded up :) I am not usually an avoider, but you gotta know when enough is enough. And I had my fill. I have made my peace and just wanted out. So glad the new landlords were understanding and let us go ahead and move in.

I like the older woman here. She is so sweet. There's no rush on getting the electric and water turned over. And she is going to let Derek and Kyle do some work here in lue of the deposit. That is beyond awesome!!!

I will post pics as soon as I get my computer up and running. Promise :)

Holding my breath

Well things seriously went from bad to worse quick, fast, and in a hurry. And according to her, it's all our fault. When in all actuality it's not. Not going to say some of the tension isn't caused by us, but for the majority...no.

So, I am holding my proverbial breath now. We got us a place, but aren't suppose to move in til next week. Hoping beyond hope that they will go ahead and let us move in like tomorrow. Need to get out pf here before it gets much worse. And it's heading in that direction very quickly.

So okay she wants to sell the house so she can go travel? Whatever. She can do whatever she feels like doing. I have come to absolute peace with my decision to wash my hands of it. It's not daddy's house anymore. That's what I had to come to terms with. She has come in and destroyed everything it was. There's no love here anymore. Just a shell with a bitter old woman haunting the halls. And it's nothing more than a burden to her anyways since she is more than willing to "sell it to get out from under it".

I am totally excited about the idea of absolute quiet :) nothing but nature to listen to when we go outside. No radio blaring at the butt crack of dawn. No bitching about touching her shit. Just peace with the occasional hiccup. No stress, no walking on egg shells 24/7. Yeah...it's going to be nice.

...Mom...

Things here have progressively gotten worse. There's just no pleasing her. None. No amount of anything we do to help so much as is acknowledged, other than for her to start accusing us of being thieves when she misplaces stuff. Or gets too drunk she doesn't remember using it all. Of course there's no way she would admit she was drinking let alone drunk. She's an alcoholic plain and simple. Just like her mother. And like her mother, chances are she will too die a very lonely old woman.

I don't understand a persons desire and need to be miserable all the time. None. It's pointless to be so unhappy 24/7. Well, especially around me, I probably should clarify. I don't due pity parties. And truly that's basically all it is.

It's a very odd feeling when your own mother is more immature than your 9 year old. Throws little hissy fits, stomping around and slamming doors to gain the centre of attention. And when that doesn't work, the silent cold shoulder treatment. That's where we are now. Whatever.

Sad to say, but I am beyond caring.  I hate drama and this is exactly what it is. And since it has been made personal, that doesn't makes me involved, which does not make for a happy me.

Being here has began to cause alot of health issues too. Migraines are getting more and more frequent. My muscles and bones actually hurt from the strength it takes to keep calm. I have blisters coming up from all the excess acid my body is producing. The kids are getting more and more head aches. Loss of appetites. Not being able to get decent sleep. Poor things :'( as their mom it is truly heartbreaking to see this happening. Especially by their grandmother.

I have had to do some serious soul searching and question asking lately. The conclusions I have come to?...

1) Though it breaks my heart, saving this house is not worth risking my kids happiness for. This is no longer my dad's or grandparents home. She has forever ruined that. There is so much negativity here that it smothers any of the good.  I used to love this house. Wanting desperately to save it and keep it in the family. Now? I want more than anything to leave. There's nothing left for us here.

2)Mom will have to find someone else to "help" her. We can't.  We can't be the ones to see her into her golden years. Financially there isn't an issue. We could take over every bill she has and come out ahead. It's the emotional,mental, and physical drain I can't do. I am to old with kids of my own to worry about.  Her financial and physical states really are not my concern. I have mine to worry about, plain and simple. And they will always come first regardless.

3) I just plain ass don't like her. And truth be it told,  I am not so sure I can honestly say I love her. If anything the emotion that comes through to the fore front when I think of her is a very deep seeded resentment. She is a hateful, spiteful, self serving, self centred, bitter, hypocrit. Truly a pitiful excuse. She is everything I despise in a person and the more I think about it the more I realize, she has always been this way. She hasn't changed one iota in all my 40 years. So there's no chance she is likely to change now.

What irritates me the most at the moment is...

The simple fact that I have constantly been bitching on here. I understand that this is my own little corner and I can write whatever I want but the fact that I have so much negativity in my life seems to over power my ability to write otherwise :(  Really I am not such a depressing individual as it seems. Or I try not to be, but sometimes life and certain people suck it right out of you.

I promise I will try to do better. Not sound like such a whiny bitch that has nothing in her life worth writing about. Because believe it or not,  I do lol

My life itself is amazing. I have the most awesome kids and Derek is everything and more than I could ask for. Really they do exist lol :P

Decisions...

Trying to decide whether or not to move. Reason being is it is getting bad here again. Mom is never happy. I mean NEVER...constantly bitching about something or someone. Keeping the peace around here is becoming a chore and it is soooo tiring. Is it worth it? I am seriously starting to debate this.

And we are at a complete standstill as far as turning the garage into our space. She wants to go thru everything. Of course because she has no clue what is out there. All's I want to do is relocate and restack the boxes all to one end so we can start the remodeling. One room at a time if we have to and that was a HUGE no!!! She keeps using the excuse she can't pick up and move stuff. Okay, we have more than enough people here to so that. But whatever ...So we have to wait for her to find the time to do this. And right now it is just one excuse after the other. It's ridiculous to say the least.